I had a job; I lost a job.
This post will self destruct in a bit.
Living in the UK and schooling in the UK has been the greatest challenge of my life so far, I guess that means even bigger challenges are on the way because as I look back now many of the existential crises of my life now seem like small bumps on the road.
Growth is that you?
Anyway, yesterday I got a letter confirming that my fixed term contract had come to an end. I was expecting the letter but it was still sad to be let go and even a stab at my self-esteem, even though I only realised that today and not yesterday.
What made it worse was that I was the only one in my small group who got dropped, others all got extensions – they even assumed we all got extensions. I think that was the most painful part but I didn’t even know until I sat to read my Bible this afternoon.
I was reading Isaiah 40, I was led to it actually and as I read, I chuckled at the arrogance in God’s words to Israel – it was God speaking in that chapter. It is also a very familiar chapter and it ends in one of the most famous quotes in the Bible.
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
After reading it, I had a prompting to read it again but this time out loud as there was a reason I was led to it and I hadn’t seen it yet. So I began to read out loud, feeling slightly foolish as I read.
But it hit different when I read aloud, each word heavy with more meaning. Then I got to the 27th verse.
Vs 27: Why do you complain, Jacob?
Why do you say, Israel,
“My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God”?
I read it again and I held my cheeks to keep from crying. I thought I was fine really, thought I had rolled with the punches and I was optimistic about my future which could only get better.
But I was not fine. I felt forsaken, abandoned on the hard and rough path. The past three months have been hellish, a flare-up in my health meant everything was skewed. When the gynaecologist at the A/E asked about my work and I told him where I worked, he looked incredulous. I knew exactly why, the flare-up and my kind of work weren’t compatible. As I write now, I realise I should actually be thankful I served out my contract ☺
To be honest, it doesn’t seem as if I’ve had the chance to catch my breath here. It’s just been like surviving one wahala to another. To be fair, God has taken me through them all but I’m tired of being saved from the brink. Others who are coasting and winning quietly don’t have two heads, or do they?
So I stopped reading the passage and poured out all my hurt, everything from missing my family, to not being able to get a stable job (was I defective?), to my wonky love life, to my money burdens, to not having any personal space, to missing Lagos (something I’d have thought impossible two years ago).
And as I did, a phrase kept ringing in my mind. “He is not unmindful of your burdens”.
I continued reading after and for the first time, I truly understood just how powerful Isa 40:31 is. Reading it as a standalone quote robs it of its strength. Reading it aloud after being in despair finally made me cry.
Through the day as I prepared for work – I have two shifts more, listened to a beautiful song that truly ministered to me as was intended by my friend who sent it, cooked and gisted with my cousin and rushed off a job application that’s closing today. That same phrase stayed on my mind.
When I got to work, I googled it and got a verse in Hebrews but I knew that wasn’t it. I went back and the second option was also in Isaiah and I knew it was it. Funny thing was I also read the previous chapter Isaiah 48 this morning, if I’d just read the next chapter…
Isaiah 49:13-16 NIV
[13] Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
[14] But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”
[15] “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
[16] See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.
I wonder how many people from the dawn of time have come to these verses in despair and how much lighter they felt.
I’ve felt much better, even caught sight of myself in the mirrored elevator and thought “Adaeze you’re fine o”, I haven’t thought so in a long time. I even found myself looking at things and thinking about other things.
What however, was monumental was that today for the first time, I wanted my own child for reasons other than “if you get pregnant this thing could correct itself”.
The story behind it deserves its own post but it involves a Milton cold water steriliser set and memories of the most fabulous baby in the world – my youngest brother, Ikenna.
I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me, but I know he who has tomorrow in his grasp. Why doesn’t he give me the soft life kwanu?
Emporium of Words 