Buns Supplier

When my friends have sons, I’m always quick to claim the handsome boys as husbands for my future daughters. I probably have ten future sons-in-law and no daughters yet.

 

Earlier today I commented on Mimi’s picture with my cute son-in-law looking very serious and Mimi said she was suspecting that my ‘in-lawship’ was scam. Her son is in primary school now and I booked him down at birth, his supposed wife is yet to show up. Continue reading →

Mad Oh!

I made a post on Facebook asking if I could use crayfish in the pancakes I was about to make and a comment on the post reminded me of something that happened a long time ago.
 
So this thing happened almost exactly fourteen years ago (I can’t believe it’s been fourteen years sef, does this mean I’m old?). It was either late January or very early February 2006. I’m tilting towards January though because by Valentine’s Day of that year, all the proper occupants of the room had fully settled into the room.
 
It was in my first year at Uniben and I had just moved my things from my temporary accommodation in Block C of Hall One to my ‘permanent’ space in Block B. It was hard for me because we had already bonded very well in the temporary room and I was the first to leave because the owner of my bed space had come very early to claim it.
 
In the new room, the squatters were still in full control of the room but I easily bounced the one on my bed. The madam even wanted us to share the bed with me, she had such nonsense guts sha.
 
The young lady who was also temporarily on the lower bunk was in 200 level and she was a rather friendly and bubbly babe who kept promising to bring me Awake! Magazine but never did, she was a Jehovah’s Witness.
 
One evening, she came back from lectures with a black bag and she seemed very excited. She told me she was going to make pancakes that evening, she had been craving some and she was finally going to make them.
 
As she danced around the room and talked about her special pancakes, I got more and more suspicious. I have an uncle who would act as if his recipe is from heaven and his food was going to be eaten only by God.
 
“Adasco, when you eat this food you will not agree to eat anybody’s food again.” He would say as whistled and cooked his wonderful meals that turned out to be…
Please I don’t any goat to settle ndi Umunna Umunawiri.
 
Anyway, I wasn’t impressed by her and her drama because I don see am tire since I be small pikin. She brought out an onion and started chopping it and from my bed I felt real fear. Why was she cutting this onion, what did the innocent onion do to her?
 
She finished the onion and brought out ata rodo and began to chop it and I knew that there was a snake in the thatched roof. I asked her what she was going to do with the onion and pepper she had just put in a plate and she told me she was going to use them to make the pancakes.
 
If this happened in 2020 AD, I would have screamed “Mad oh!” but at the time, that perfect phrase was still blowing in the wind and waiting for Marlians to bring it to life.
 
So I sat on my bed and watched her mix her ingredients, the onion bits, pepper, crayfish, one satchet of cowbell, water and flour. She stirred the mixture and got her frying pan to start frying.
 
No eggs? I thought. Mad oh!
 
I asked her about eggs and she said she forgot. She asked me to please go and get an egg for her from the common room store and I told her I couldn’t climb down from my bed and go to the common room when she was already on the floor, (this was still at the time when saying no was so easy for me, I miss those times).
 
I didn’t go for two reasons. the first was; if she could remember to get an onion, peppers, crayfish etc for the pancakes, she could have also gotten some damn eggs as well.
The second was that I had noticed that beneath her niceness was a tendency to take advantage of people. I didn’t spend those years in boarding school for somebody to come and use my head in the university.
 
She scooped the batter into the hot oil and waited for the pancakes to form. That day she learned that eggs were an essential ingredient in the making of pancakes as what resulted in the frying pan can only be described as the abomination that causes desolation.
 
I learned an important lesson too that day though, don’t mess with the classic pancake recipe. It will not end in praise.
 
 

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Get Up and Dance!

I listen to music when I write, or read or cook – especially while cooking, takes my mind off the tedium. This evening I’m reviewing a manuscript and set my playlist on random because I need the jolt of strange songs so I wouldn’t fall asleep. I rarely do that. I like to control what I listen to. Continue reading →

Don’t Kill Me For My Mother.

I had a funny dream and it reminded me of someone I lost and an incident that occurred when we just became friends.

 

During my second year at Uniben, I met a man at the faculty of pharmacy library and I was instantly fascinated by him. He had graduated from the faculty with a B.Pharm degree in the 1990s and he was enrolled in the three-year PharmD conversion programme at the time. Continue reading →

Stop Asking for Fish.

Two Jacks are currently visiting Ethiopia after spending a few days in Nigeria. The first Jack is Jack Dorsey who is the founder of Twitter and current CEO while the second Jack is Jack Ma who has changed the game in online retail sales around the world with his massive creation Aliexpress. I’ll write about the second Jack tomorrow. Continue reading →

DNA Palava 2

If to say I know, I for no make that DNA post. Notifications wan run down my battery till now and I no even get power for all the conversations wey dem dey raise for there.

 

Anyway there was something very troubling TO ME about several related comments on the post, they all said the man must have seen something that made him go for the test.

 

I made the post from the point of view of a woman who hasn’t cheated on her marital vows. The post was about this young woman from Mbaise with seven names and her reaction to being blindsided like that.

 

However from the comments, I find it disturbing that a man would find something serious enough to doubt the paternity of his children and pay hundreds of thousands of naira to ensure they are his. Yet he keeps quiet about it and doesn’t confront his life partner. Na wetin una dey do inside una marriage? To dey hide that kind thing? Una fit kill person.

 

This August, I cut off from my closest friend outside my brothers, let’s call my friend XYZ. XYZ did something so terrible that I could no longer imagine being friends with this person, funny thing was that I didn’t even realise what had happened until nearly a year later when I passed “the scene of the crime”.

 

I woke up that morning and sent a voice note to XYZ detailing what went down and stating why that incident ended whatever bonds of friendship we had and while I cherished the years of friendship and love we had shared (XYZ is a fantastic person in very many ways). I could not even imagine being more than acquaintances. We have not spoken since.

 

I cannot even imagine being married to someone and we cannot be open to each other about the good and bad. That post was about ME and MY reaction to being blindsided like that. It was not about the generality of women and the terrible state of marriages.

 

If I cannot confront/call out my partner and vice versa on bad behaviour and we would resolve it together, why the fuck then are we married? I don’t understand this secrecy thing I kept seeing in the comments. You eat together – might even cook for each other, share a bed and are naked with each other literally. Yet you’re keeping major secrets like that from each other?

 

Maybe it’s because I come from a family where openness is supreme, maybe that’s why I don’t understand all this hiding theories I was seeing on the post. I grew up watching my parents being open to each other and to us, I grew up knowing that my house was the place I could be sure of the whole truth all the time. My marriage cannot be any different, God forbid.

 

The only thing I have missing in my life currently is a padded account and visas to foreign countries for vacation. Besides that, I have a fabulous life surrounded with love and laughter. Marriage should only enrich my life further like Deut 32:30 implies. If marriage is just about ticking a box to please society and to have children without a meaningful connection between us, why bother?

 

This morning, Celine *not real name* called after reading my post and reminded me of a story she had shared with me some years ago. Her cousin was arranging the house on a Saturday morning (something she rarely did) and came across a folder in her husband’s wardrobe that had copies of his emigration documents to the US.

 

Her husband had married a US citizen who even came down to Nigeria for the wedding at the time when he went on a ‘course’ at work earlier that year. After the wedding, they filed for him to join her in the US with his children. There were also DNA test results for the children that had been submitted at the embassy.

 

But how was he able to marry this US citizen legally while he was still married to her?

 

He got a death certificate for her and made himself a widower with a living wife. She packed the papers and her children and ‘disappeared’ after sending copies of the papers to family members. The man continued with his emigration plans and he’s living in the US today.

 

It made me pause and ponder, it might not even have been about the suspicion of cheating. After all, the test results do not prove she was not a cheat, they just prove that the children were his. What if there was something sinister going on?

 

May we never get married to our enemies.

Continue reading →