I cannot change you, I am not Jesus.

This morning on facebook, I saw a post by a beautiful young woman about how a man who she’d considered a potential business partner called her at 8:30pm on a Friday and told her he wanted to hangout with her all night. She shunned him and told him not to call her again, he sent her a message on whatsapp calling her a prostitute.

 

Some comments on the posts almost made me puke, a few men insinuated that she must have given signals to the man that made him think she was that kind of girl who would spend the night with a stranger. The same men said she should have handled it better, strung him along if possible and a number of them said she could have cautioned him in a way that would change him or continued to be friends with him in a bid to change him.

 

My fingers ached to rain lightning and hail on that post but seeing that such men are not likely to change their shitty mindsets, I decided not to bother myself with such a foolish errand on a Sunday morning. Isn’t it funny though, how easy it is to tell a woman to change a full grown man she barely knows (another funny thing, how come no one tells men such crap). Why do we like to play guilt cards to make people do things for people who are not helpless? Why do we encourage harmful fantasies about changing people who do not want to be changed in the first place?

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I’d been told by a number of “toasters” that I can change them and make them the kind of man I want, the men who tell me that are usually those with serious character flaws. There was one who smoked like he was paid per second for smoking, he drank beer like it was a life-giving elixir and he couldn’t be trusted to be in a room with a beautiful woman without asking her to be his babe, he told me how he loved me more than any other woman he’d ever been with and he knew I was the one who could change him. I told him “I can’t change you, I am not Jesus Christ”, he laughed at my statement and even now when he calls me from time to time- he reminds me of it. christ-1299557__180

 

You cannot change anyone, for a person to change- he or she takes that decision to change. Your actions might help that person come to the decision making point but ultimately you cannot change a person who doesn’t want to change or make them do things contrary to their will forever. They might pretend for your sake but true change can never be forced. Sincerely I’d rather not be part of the process that leads to his change, I don’t want to be the principal influence or the catalyst that makes a person change. Wanna know why? I am a human being who will mess up over and over, I will do things that will rock the core of my significant other and if that person had made unreasonable sacrifices for my sake, the tendency to backslide and become ten times as bad will be very strong.

 

Secondly why do men find it so easy to call a woman a prostitute for unfounded reasons? I was in a bus with my friend during our undergraduate days and she gave the driver a one thousand naira note for both of us (the fare was ten or twenty naira) and he called her a prostitute. Yes, just like that. I told him “just like your mother” and he wanted to kill himself that morning, I pulled my friend who was still frozen in shock and we went to class. I think we give that word a little to much power and it stems from our hypocritical attitude to sex. One day I will write about it, but today I am too tired to.

 

Chidi threatened to write a halloween story and she went and wrote it!!! Check out The Church bells. I’m just glad she’s back to blogging semi-regularly, I hope she sustains the tempo.

 

 

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16 Comments

  1. I would comment but you haven’t replied my comment on your last post. Oh wait, I just commented 😤
    I completely agree, I can advise you to change, encourage you to even but I can’t force you to change or make you change.
    And the ashewo thing, that one is a serious issue. Woman hits your car, ashewo. Woman gives you a lot of money, ashewo. Woman doesn’t move when you shout at her, ashewo. The funny thing is that most of the men who call women ashewo are themselves proper ashewos. It stems I think from a severe lack of trust of women. But for a while I didn’t trust a lot of men, yet I didn’t call them bastards on a daily basis. It’s not excusable and shouldn’t be excused.
    Take care of you, Adaeze. And pick up your calls as well. I wanted to know if you’d gotten home yet.

    Reply

    1. Nne I didn’t see the missed call notification until this morning, I got home safely.
      Lol @ I just commented…
      These days I don’t even advise or encourage anyone to change- do what pleases you, if I can’t take it, I’ll walk away… Ain’t nobody got time for…
      I think you’re right about men who are sexually loose calling women ashewo after all, obu ahia madu n’azu k’oma. Yes it shouldn’t be excuse for any reason.

      Reply

      1. Lol @obu ahia mmadu… And I hate that they sometimes catch them too.
        We are called to advise people to do better. To be better. I’m actually super quiet sometimes. You have to see it to believe it, that used to be my default position. But some things require you to open your mouth and speak. Speak loud. Shout, scream even. I’m finding my voice and my voice is growing in strength daily.
        Oh you crashed as soon as you got home? My bad. Forgive me.

  2. All my life i haven’t refer to a woman as a ashewo. it pains me , the acute character flaws even from the seemingly educated ones in gurgling out disrespectful diarrheatic expletives against women. Some men’s brain need serious formatting, partitioning and installation of authentic software with a restrictive default setting that spelt ‘respect women always’.

    Ladies are not sex objects,whatsoever man has that mentality in this 21st century needs serious laying on of hand and legs.

    As to the issue of changing a grown ass man. no man has the capacity to change any man except such person is the holyspirit.

    Reply

  3. …so I was seated in the back seat of my car (which I rarely do) because I had a lot of work to do while my driver drove. This reckless bus driver almost hits the car. I wound down the glass to caution him. Guess what I hear next?
    Yea, you got that right!

    Reply

  4. I have so many things to say but i will try to keep it as short as possible.
    1. It always amazes me how easily a well dressed lady in the business world is called a prostitute. Really? Like people have run out of words. That a Lady is looking for a potential business partner or an investor does not entail that she has to sleep with so called partner for the deal to go through.
    Only in this part of the world
    2. I get soo annoyed when grown up men who should have a little bit of sense go about in supplication for a woman to change them. And Ladies, whoever fed us that rubbish line that guys become better guys cos they are in love with us?? This is utter bullshit. Even Jesus sef will draw the line somewhere
    3. These days, I am not even perturbed when guys call me ashewo. That will tell you how much i have heard the word. A guy tries to get in your pants, you say No; he has the guts to tell all his friends that you are a prostitute or worse even whisper it loudly when you pass by.
    You refuse to seat in between fat people in a bus, the conductor calls u Ashewo
    A bike man nearly knocks you down, instead of sorry, you hear “you won’t steer clear of the road, Ashewo”.

    You know i remember back in my first year in uni, a guy punished a girl by posting about her being a prostitute, a dog and all kinds of degrading crap. She started crying and wanted to leave school, I met her then and after talking with her told her that She alone had the power to make that incident mar her school life. I asked her to stand tall, walk with her head held high and snort at stupid questions. She was also to give people who dared question her the ‘are you really that stupid?’ look. I also went on my own campaign with friends. And in two weeks, everything blew over.

    We need to train our boys to respect women cos it’s those boys that become men

    Reply

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