This morning on facebook, I saw a post by a beautiful young woman about how a man who she’d considered a potential business partner called her at 8:30pm on a Friday and told her he wanted to hangout with her all night. She shunned him and told him not to call her again, he sent her a message on whatsapp calling her a prostitute.
Some comments on the posts almost made me puke, a few men insinuated that she must have given signals to the man that made him think she was that kind of girl who would spend the night with a stranger. The same men said she should have handled it better, strung him along if possible and a number of them said she could have cautioned him in a way that would change him or continued to be friends with him in a bid to change him.
My fingers ached to rain lightning and hail on that post but seeing that such men are not likely to change their shitty mindsets, I decided not to bother myself with such a foolish errand on a Sunday morning. Isn’t it funny though, how easy it is to tell a woman to change a full grown man she barely knows (another funny thing, how come no one tells men such crap). Why do we like to play guilt cards to make people do things for people who are not helpless? Why do we encourage harmful fantasies about changing people who do not want to be changed in the first place?
I’d been told by a number of “toasters” that I can change them and make them the kind of man I want, the men who tell me that are usually those with serious character flaws. There was one who smoked like he was paid per second for smoking, he drank beer like it was a life-giving elixir and he couldn’t be trusted to be in a room with a beautiful woman without asking her to be his babe, he told me how he loved me more than any other woman he’d ever been with and he knew I was the one who could change him. I told him “I can’t change you, I am not Jesus Christ”, he laughed at my statement and even now when he calls me from time to time- he reminds me of it.
You cannot change anyone, for a person to change- he or she takes that decision to change. Your actions might help that person come to the decision making point but ultimately you cannot change a person who doesn’t want to change or make them do things contrary to their will forever. They might pretend for your sake but true change can never be forced. Sincerely I’d rather not be part of the process that leads to his change, I don’t want to be the principal influence or the catalyst that makes a person change. Wanna know why? I am a human being who will mess up over and over, I will do things that will rock the core of my significant other and if that person had made unreasonable sacrifices for my sake, the tendency to backslide and become ten times as bad will be very strong.
Secondly why do men find it so easy to call a woman a prostitute for unfounded reasons? I was in a bus with my friend during our undergraduate days and she gave the driver a one thousand naira note for both of us (the fare was ten or twenty naira) and he called her a prostitute. Yes, just like that. I told him “just like your mother” and he wanted to kill himself that morning, I pulled my friend who was still frozen in shock and we went to class. I think we give that word a little to much power and it stems from our hypocritical attitude to sex. One day I will write about it, but today I am too tired to.
Chidi threatened to write a halloween story and she went and wrote it!!! Check out The Church bells. I’m just glad she’s back to blogging semi-regularly, I hope she sustains the tempo.