Marriage ain’t no lottery.

Today I met up with an old friend from my university days, the dude was one of the major irritants of my life in my first year but that’s not the point of this post. I almost had fun hanging out with him (he’s very arrogant and it isn’t the pretty variety), he’s easy to talk with, we have a shared history of going to school in a war zone (the Uniben experience isn’t pretty), we’re both Anglicans from Imo state and most importantly, he thinks I’m funny (the funny thing is, I say what’s on my mind without filtering and he laughs like I’m Trevor Noah).

He told me how he’d liked me back then (considering how he pestered me day and night, I’d say it was pretty obvious) and I behaved like he was a demon who’d been sent to make me fail (very true, Igbo demon things).

 

“I want to settle down soon” he said as we walked to the bus stop.

“That’s nice, you’re not getting any younger” I replied even though I couldn’t care less

“You know I’ve always liked you and it even makes more sense now” I just had to roll my eyes at his words.
“What do you think about it?”

“Think about what?” I asked.

“Adaeze! You can like to annoy me, ok let me start from the top”

“Ok” I replied.

“I want to settle down very soon, you know I’ll be starting my PhD soon and would need a strong woman to manage my businesses and be my organiser.”

“Get a business manager cum PA then” he didn’t quite catch the sarcasm.

“Who knows, you might be the lucky one”

“Nna wait o, is marriage a lottery?”

Lottery how?” he seemed confused.

“Well you said I could be the lucky one, I’m assuming it’s a contest or something”

“Err no, but it would be nice if we got married.”

Normally I wouldn’t post details of a private conversation but the whole thing annoyed me enough to put it here and rant a little. The young man in question would be considered a catch in certain quarters, he is self-employed (he actually corrected me when I said he was self-employed, he says the right appellation is CEO since he has staff working for him), lives in a not so shabby apartment among other things I’m sure he has going for him. However, since I have never expressed an interest in spending the rest of my life shackled to him, why in God’s name would he refer to me as being lucky if he decides to pick me? Am I tomatoes in Mile 12 market or Grade 1 okrika at Yaba bend down?

Do I blame him? In his weak mind he’s doing me a favour for considering me worthy of the dubious honour of being his wife. After all (to quote the great Ms Adichie) have I not been trained all my life to aspire to marriage and at the grand old age of twenty eight, I have to be elated at his rickety proposal. My last birthday occurred when I was in Mbaise and it was amazing how everyone who came around that day had the same prayer for me.

“May this be your last birthday in your father’s house, may your next birthday be with your husband”.

Beautiful prayer right? Yes but it was sad that I wasn’t wished fulfilment, happiness and income in millions of naira or dollars sef and quite frankly I’m more excited about being financially solvent than about getting married at the moment. They want me to get the prestige of being a married woman and then start raising a family which is fabulous but nobody really wants to know if that’s what I want now or even ever.

Marriage is beautiful, it is a melding of two lives to form a beautiful tapestry that provides the backdrop for the hopes and dreams of their children. Marriage is also epic scary shit! Who you marry will influence the course of your life whether or not you even stay together! It shouldn’t be something you walk into just because age or parental pressure or the bobo has money or the babe set die, kind of reasons. Who you marry is perhaps the single most important determinant of your path in life, again it doesn’t even matter if you were married for 72 days like Kim K and Kris H. We’ve all seen people who were doing very well before marriage, suddenly crash and burn in less than a year of marriage. I’m not going to delve into the spiritual implications/causes of such phenomena. We also know people with the reverse situation where things get better after marriage.

bridal

I wanted to tell him to stick his “lucky one nonsense” up where the sun doesn’t shine, besides I’m not the lucky one but “the special one” *big grin*. I was able to curb my tongue (thank God) and told him instead how marriage is not a destination but the beginning of a very long journey. I wouldn’t want to pick the wrong travelling companion for any reason and neither would he, if he thought about the whole thing logically.
image

I’ve seen terrible marriages in my lifetime, seen women wail and weep over the wickedness of their husbands. Sadly women are much more vulnerable to the effects of a bad marriage, they bear the brunt of the brutality of the so called stronger sex (one day I’ll write about my neighbour and adored big friend who got married when I was six and started beating his wife on their first month anniversary), they are the ones whose bodies are modified by child birth and they are the ones who are left holding the bag and indeed the short end of stick when a marriage breaks down. I find it ironic and strange that we are the ones who still let ourselves be pressured into it and who still let substandard men into our lives just because we want to be married.

It isn’t all about the beautiful white dress and multi-coloured bouquet or having your love story on bella naija for people to gush over and wish for, neither is it about beautiful ceremonies at Balmoral or Dubai or in an isolated castle in Scotland/lush meadow in Ireland (Dear future hubby, can we do this? Pretty please). It’s hard work that will task your sanity among other things but the odds of making it are much better than the odds of winning a lottery.

PS: If I ever tell y’all I’m getting married to a certain Solomon, PLEASE bind me with fresh, unused ropes (like Delilah bound Samson) and take me to Dr Olukoya or Fr Mbaka for deliverance.

 

PPS: I just realised why I was so angry at the prospect of marrying the wrong person, I’d just read the story of a woman who brutally massacred her husband even after injuring him for having a child outside their marriage. It is pretty obvious that they both married the wrong spouse and that the marriage was a massive sham.

 

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38 Comments

  1. Lovely. You however write more convincingly on the scary shit of marriage more than the beautiful tapestry. I opine that’s it cos-in the words of Hilary’s hubby-we see life through the prism of our experiences…

    ROFL!!!! @ getting married to a Samson. *singing like JB*Never say never!!!:-p

    Reply

    1. Well maybe it’s because it is scary shit, most of us get sold the everlasting love story/beautiful tapestry story and rarely do we sound the warning that it isn’t rosy, it’s a journey etc.

      Reply

      1. Ada, you go dey alright. God wee give you the kind of Mr Man your heart craves. He will melt all your scares, you will forget there ever there. He will call himself the lucky one to have you, because sometimes when you’re with the one who get your shit you know you’ve won the lottery.

        Did I say anything? 🙈

  2. …hehehehehehehehehehehehe Ada ohh!!!! hahahh I cant Deal even if i tried.. I just caNNot! heheheheheh the Post Script had me in Iron Stitches.. better Iron stitches oh!! You do know ya Evil ba Otunne of destiny?! heheheheheheh

    Okay! So its imperative that regardless how Funny this post was.. How AMAZING it was for guy man to propose on a “Ran into” Basis.. and how you are forming Feminist even lori marriage hehehe ya Cray Cray aswear.. lmao.. i still had to pick wisdom from here.. and the below was it! The below did the almighty Eisntein Magic.. You know where you came and went and come and goan said:

    “marriage is not a destination but the beginning of a very long journey.”

    And in response the crowd goes.. Yesss Bossette! I know little about life yeah.. but in my 24 years 82 days of existence ba.. aYaf learnt that Love is waaaayyy different from Marriage Ada.. In that one can make a mistake and love the wrong person and brood and heal.. But if you MARRY the wrong someboRRy ehhn nne! forgeRRit! ya finished! So for today.. I support my Ada the Feminist and say Yes!!! The guy was delusional.. and yes.. Marriage is worth waiting for.. It aint no lottery.,.. its a choice that must be well thought through..

    hehehhehe so its 6: 18 AM.. and Ada has blessed my Day with humor.. First Blog.. Big Laugh.. Great Day! hehehehe HE Said “Organize me” Mbok when did you turn to Access Bank Branch Manager?! heheheheheh hahaha I am laughing so hard ehhnn.. my Cheeks hurt. lmao!

    Blessings Otunne!

    Reply

    1. Your comments are always epic!
      I knew you’d mention feminism but I wasn’t even in feminist mode but annoyed human being mode, the thing vex me no be small. You’re right about loving anybody, you can almost always recover from that but if you marry the wrong person? You can’t recover. Just yesterday there was a story on social media about a woman who killed her husband for having a child outside, she brutally massacred the man. As I read the story I got chills in my blood, who knows what went through her mind at the she was killing him. God help us not to marry the wrong person.

      Reply

      1. 😁 don’t float around too long though. Can you put on your parachute and land? We missed you down here😁. Don’t be scared the ground is cleared

  3. First of all , go down low *in olamide voice*.
    Hehehehe.
    This article is hilarious but embellished with truth sha.
    Guys can fall hand sha since the days of alaye alalumole – ahn ahn, how can you be proposing on run in. Is that a show of desperation or lack of manners Don’t you have a freaking cell of romantic genes in you?

    Pls Maami otunne no vex o! Hehehe. Its so nastt when some guys still have this mentality that they are doing a lady favor marrying them.

    Marriage is not moimoi and pap o. But its sweet if you are with the right person though. Plus I don’t why our parents place so much emphasis on marriage when a lady gets to a certain age. See me acting in feminist mode

    Like someone said there is a different between Finished Completely and Completely Finished. The later is the case if you got married to the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

    But dear Otunne! Never say never though 😁😁😁. Ogbeni Samson repackage ya approach o, worisszz all dizz

    Reply

    1. The guy tire me o, I just had to form gentle lady like my Mama, Queen Salawa Abeni and not tell him what he needs to hear.
      Seriously I don’t understand why marriage is so coveted although I might not be the best person to talk about this because I wouldn’t even think of marriage if I weren’t African.
      May we never marry the wrong person in Jesus name.

      Reply

  4. Huh?! @ you wouldn’t think of marriage if you weren’t African.
    Well not everyone is built for marriage sha even the bible tok am. Its just so unfortunate that society starts to treat you as an outcast or probably acknowledge that somehow something must be wrong with you. Same at workplace.

    That reminds me yesterday while walking down the street, a woman I don’t interact call me and asked why I am not married. Biko! What is your own na?
    I just sheepily smile and walked on.😕

    Non conformist like me, shior!! Dem go talk tire. I have grown a thick skin about that marriage aspect.

    Reply

    1. He couldn’t care any less about my writing or my blog, he’s all about himself and how fabulous he is.
      What annoys me most about the pressure is how it leads many into making terrible decisions.

      Reply

      1. I tell you! Marriage no longer last these days and it’s because some people gave in to the pressures on every side and that’s what people don’t know, marriage is not a plate of shawarma; I’ve seen quite so much that almost discouraged me though but God’s always got the best. We are not Russia even Russians no dey rush.

  5. Awwwww!
    Beautiful write up.
    Marriage is not something to be rushed into. If you rush into marriage,the likelihood that you will rush out of it is very high.

    Reply

  6. Nne,

    what you’re saying is, you don’t want to be his madam?
    You don’t want to be the wife of the CEO?

    Nne, you have finish school, your mates are being featured on wedding accounts on Instagram and you don’t aspire to be like them?

    Nne, biko, talk to us, is it the wedding money? Don’t worry we will sponsor the wedding for you.

    You don’t want to marry Solomon, God’s gift to womanhood? Solomon, the wise, albeit arrogant one?

    Please reconsider your stance on this issue and I hope my sarcasm comes through in this comment. lol

    Reply

    1. Your sarcasm shines through although I don’t think Bros Solo would get it. This hustle to get a Nigerian husband is crazy! So many frogs on the way to Prince Charming

      Reply

  7. You know, last two years I attended a wedding in the east with my aunt. The way she gushed about the couple was epic, she spoke about how beautiful the lady was and how she was so picky and decided to wait till she found the best man. I saw the man, a young handsome dude who lives in South Africa. Fast forward to this year, I travelled for Christmas and my auntie told me the couple had separated, and that the man beats his wife for little or no reason at all.

    I know guys like ‘Solomon’ they are so many around us, guys that are so annoying ehn and the worst thing is, they think they are the knight in shinning armour. To them what makes the girls flock is simple;

    1. Be a man
    2. Have some money,
    3. Have a nice car,
    4. Live in a decent apartment and girls are latching on like goons, or so he thinks.

    The truth is, it goes beyond that, marriage is not all about love, or understanding or most of the things people think, marriage is a connection between two souls who get each other. ‘For a man leaves his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they become one flesh’ is a sentence that is complete in its own context and it’s something we cannot explain, only God can. So, when two people join together in marriage and still remain separate parts of each other, it can’t work out.

    I used to be scared about marriage, about leave my parents, sisters and all of that but now, I am not scared anymore. I am older and wiser and I know that when that time comes it will be perfect. Yes, I am currently getting prayers for marriage from my relatives, parents, cousins and everyone who loves me, and no one cares that I want to be rich, all they care about is, when is she bringing the man and when is he paying the dowry? But guess what? Men know it when a girl feels pressured by family and society to get married and they start misbehaving and then, you as a lady begin to make bad choices.

    Let’s hope and pray with all our hearts that our marriages never turn out for worse. My parents have been married before I was born and by God’s grace, they still are married, I’m praying to have a good marriage as they have or even better.

    Reply

    1. Ada you always make sense. Marriage is a connection, end of discussion. My parents have a connection so deep that I wouldn’t want anything less and that’s what I pray for.

      Reply

  8. The conversation is even annoying to me and I am not even the one it was directed at. LOL
    I don’t know if someone needs to sit some of these guys down and teach them how to approach ladies, and most importantly let them know that they aren’t doing anyone a favor by trying to choose what they consider good for them in the first place.
    Very nice comeback!

    P.s. The voting process has started – http://www.janylbenylshares.com/2016/01/please-help.html

    Reply

  9. Praise the Lord!
    The thing is, I was going to rant on a personal experience of mine. Same topic. Same point of contention. But here I am and you already did it for me. Thanks.
    Anyhoo, it irritates me massively when someone comes with that when are we coming for introduction bull crap. Pardon the language. I don’t believe in putting pressure. If you know someone introduce us but don’t come with that trash and expect me to inhale fully. I’m getting irritated again.
    Tell me to and I’ll deliver a rant to you on this topic as my guest post.

    Reply

  10. Hi Adaeze,

    Ah! I laughed so hard. I thought I was going to choke laughing @ “Am I tomatoes in Mile 12 “, then I saw “PLEASE bind me with fresh, unused ropes” and I nearly fell down laughing. XD

    It’s the common belief concocted by society, that a woman is incomplete without a husband, that a woman’s head is bare until a man crowns her with wife-ship. Some people have swallowed this belief and it’s put them under undue pressure. Apparently, they are afraid of walking around with bare heads. Lol

    Marriage is a wonderful thing when one makes the correct choice regarding the companion they’ll spend the rest of their life with. It becomes miserably prison-like when a poorly thought-out choice is made.

    Have a lovely weekend.

    Reply

    1. I wrote the post with anger burning in my heart. I’m all for marriage but the pressure to get settled makes me want to pull out my hair sometimes…
      A good marriage can be a blessing and it is worth waiting for.

      Have a beautiful week Nedu.

      Reply

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