Recently, I saw a post on love languages on lifetitudes blog. I first heard about love languages during my second year in Uniben, someone talked about it during a relationship seminar my fellowship held at the time.
I bought the book later and learned about the love languages in detail. The five love languages by Gary Chapman basically talks about the major ways we give and receive love which he classified as languages. I decided to go to their website to get their own definition of the languages. Peek at them below.
Acts of Service
Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.
In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.
A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else’s love and affection for you.
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.
He believes that all the expressions of love can be stripped down to the bare essentials- love languages. The book so impressed me that I bought all the other books in the series that I could lay my hands on. I bought love languages of teenagers (my brothers were still teenagers then), love languages for single(the original book was intended for married couples) and I got the love languages of God- yes even God’s love for us is expressed in love languages.
Apart from providing knowledge about the love languages, the book also provide a test for you to know your own love languages. Everyone speaks all the love languages but we all speak some more fluently than others. When I did the first test, my scores surprised me. The test had thirty scores in total, the break down of my scores were
Physical touch 8
Words of affirmation 8
Quality time 8
Acts of service 4
Receiving gifts 2
I remember the scores clearly because it was rather surprising that I had equal scores on three love languages and that meant I had three primary love languages. In 2012 someone asked to borrow the original love languages book and I decided to reread the book before I gave it to her. I always reread my books before I lend them out, it’s usually the last time I see my books (she still hasn’t returned it!) I retook the test and my scores had changed. I can’t remember the exact scores but Quality time has 11 points followed by physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, in that order.
I knew why Physical touch had declined, my boyfriend at the time when I did the first test was a “toucher”. He’d hold my hand everywhere, l got hugs even if we last saw two hours before, he’d play with my hair all the time, and he never allowed to be more than two feet away from each other, even when we were angry at each other (which was rather often, but we made up easily and without drama). Words of affirmation also declined because I’d become much more confident and less needy and clingy.
After seeing the post on lifetitudes blog I decided to follow the link there and do the test again, I was curious to see if I’d changed a little. I did the test and the result was a bombshell.
Quality time 8
Words of affirmation 4
Physical touch 4
Acts of service 10
Receiving gifts 4
Wowzer! My primary love language is NOW Acts of service?! When did that happen? I’ve always been independent, I like doing things by myself and not be beholden to anyone and I’m usually not keen on doing things for others. Then I saw a trend, I’d wash my brother’s clothes even when I didn’t have any laundry of my own to do, I’d cook or bake for my brothers and friends, then I saw the biggest culprit- my mother. I’m spending more time with my mother now than I’d ever spent before and guess what her primary love language is? Acts of service.
Another big shocker was how low words of affirmation had dropped for me, I still speak words of affirmation to those I love but I no longer need to receive it to know how wonderful and fabulous I am… interesting innit? Receiving gifts also increased, I guess that’s the influence of my friend Hero whose love language is giving gifts, being Hero’s friend has taught me to receive graciously and to value gifts which was a knowledge I lacked before. It’s not like I didn’t like gifts but I’d rather spend time with you than have you buy me stuff.
I just realised how much I’ve changed in a few years, what I want in a relationship, how I love and want to be loved has changed so much. I used to think I was rigid and my ways are set in stone (a certain friend is rolling his eyes) but I’ve come to see how much we’re shaped by the people around us and the circumstances we find ourselves.
You can take the love languages test Here. It would be nice if you read the book first though…
Have a fantastic week y’all.